


Sink And Drown

by padfootagain



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 09:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16992711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: After seeing Ben holding back on his feelings for you and slowing your relationship down, you decide to break up with him. But he comes back one night, drunk, crumbling on your doorstep and begging for forgiveness. Will you grant him a second chance?





	Sink And Drown

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this for a tumblr event with the following prompts :  
> 28\. “You’re jealous, admit it.”  
> 30\. “I hate you. I really do hate you.”  
> 39\. “Give me a kiss.”  
> 66\. “Fuck… I love you! Can’t you see it?! Are you blind?!”  
> 67\. “I don’t like this sound. It’s the sound of hearts breaking.”

Ben kept on kissing her. When she opened the door of her flat he didn’t stop her, he didn’t unseal their lips. Instead, he walked into her flat with her, closing the door behind them, and he pinned her roughly against the wooden surface. She gasped at the sudden contact, but didn’t break the kiss either.

When she raked her nails across his back, slipping her hands under his shirt, Ben didn’t stop her. He took a sharp intake of breath as she dug her nails deeper into his skin, so deep that he had to break the kiss and he winced, the pain a bit too much for him to find it exciting.

Your touch was always so soft…

He crushed his lips against hers. He couldn’t think about you. He was trying to forget you here, on the contrary.

When she started to unbutton his shirt, he didn’t push her away.

His heart was beating very fast, but not in a good way. Not in a way that would make him feel dizzy and addicted and would make him feel so alive. He was… scared.

He was scared, and ashamed, and desperate. Because despite those lips pressed against his, despite those fingers now pushing his dark shirt down his shoulders, it was your face that was painted on his closed eyelids, it was your name that was on his tongue as he wanted to moan, it was your hair he wanted to run his fingers through…

It was you he wanted, but he couldn’t have you, and he knew it.

It was all his fault, that wasn’t the point, he wasn’t trying to put the blame on you. He was the one who had made a choice. He was the one who had not hold you back, the one who had alit this fight between the two of you, this stupid, so stupid fight that had cost him the person he loved the most on this earth… Because that was the truth. He loved you. Damn, he had never felt that way for anyone before, he loved you more than anything. And he had let you go, he had let you slip between his fingers, all because he had been too stupid to open his mouth and to tell you how he really felt.

He could see it play before his eyes all over again…

Your anger reddening your face, your eyes full of tears, your voice turning into shouts but shaking nonetheless…

He pulled away.

He took several steps back, until his back collided with the opposite wall.

He couldn’t do it, it felt like cheating on you and he didn’t… he didn’t want to do this, he just couldn’t…

But the woman before him apparently didn’t understand his gesture, and she merely grinned wickedly while walking towards him again.

“Don’t be shy, Ben,” she chuckled, resting her hands on his shoulders. “Come on… _Give me a kiss._ ”

He had to forget you, he had to take you out of his head…

He crushed his lips against hers.

She tasted salty, but you always tasted like something sweet, like chocolate or strawberries…

He slipped his fingers under her T-shirt and pulled it over her head. She remained away from him for a few seconds, so he could look at her, he guessed.

Sure she was beautiful, she was gorgeous…

But when she touched his shoulder, he found out that he was not attracted to her at all. On the contrary, he felt so disgusted by himself to be in this situation…

He couldn’t even remember her name…

“I can’t do that.”

His voice was just a whisper, but it cut the air like a knife, and the two of them froze.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, bending to pick up his shirt again.

“Not your type?” she asked, clearly hurt.

“No, no, no, you’re… you’re absolutely gorgeous but I…”

He shook his head, putting his shirt back on.

“I can’t, that’s all.”

She narrowed her eyes.

“I don’t care if you already have a girlfriend. It could be a secret, just between the two of us.”

But when she rested her hand on his shoulder one more time, he shrugged her off.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he breathed. “But I can’t do this, that’s all. I can’t… I can’t even remember your name…”

She didn’t protest again, and Ben hurried towards the door. He didn’t look back over his shoulder to see her reaction, he merely opened the door and hurried outside.

He didn’t stop until he was in the street and the fresh air of May hit his cheeks, sending shivers all over his body.

And then he stopped. He stopped there in the middle of the street, looking around him for a while, but not seeing anything.

Your face was painted all over the street, all over the dark sky above him, all over the yellowish lights of the lampposts around him…

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and tried to gather his thoughts. He tried to get you out of his mind, he closed his eyes so hard it was painful, he was blinded, a flash of white colouring his eyelids. And finally, when he opened them again, you were gone.

But his heart was still so full of you, he needed to… to… to drown into something else than you.

His eyes were attracted towards the lights coming from a bar nearby, right down the street.

He guessed alcohol would be a good way to drown indeed…

————————————————-

When you heard the loud banging on your door you cursed whoever could want to see you for waking you up at two in the morning.

Or well, waking you up was not exactly accurate. You hadn’t been able to sleep for more than a few hours every night since Ben had broken your heart in more pieces than you could count.

After all, everytime you closed your eyes the same scene was playing before your eyes over and over again. That moment when you and Ben had broken up…

_“Ben, you’re pulling us backwards, don’t deny it!”_

_“I’m not trying to push you away, Y/N.”_

_“No, you’re just slowing down. You’re just refusing to get involved in a serious relationship with me!”_

_You had risen your voice, almost reaching a shout, and Ben winced. He was tired, after a long day of work, and the last thing he needed was you and him to have a row. He looked up at you as you were standing there before him, while he was sitting on the couch._

_“I’m not slowing down anything.”_

_“I’m just asking to leave a few clothes in your flat, I’m not asking you to move in with me, Ben.”_

_He heaved a frustrated sigh, but didn’t answer._

_“You’re ridiculous,” you went on.“We’ve been together for months. Or have we?”_

_“Of course we are a couple.”_

_“But you’re making a scene because I want to leave two T-shirts and a few underwear in your flat, as I’m spending almost every night in your bed.”_

_“Right, then empty a drawer and put your clothes in it if it can please you!”_

_He was shouting now. And you soon joined him._

_“What is your problem? The other day when we met your friends, you barely introduced me as your girlfriend!”_

_“Of course I told them that you were my girlfriend!”_

_“Ben… what do you want?”_

_Your voice was lower again, and your eyes full of tears. He heaved a sigh. He hated to see you sad._

_“What do you want?” you asked again. “Because I’m completely lost with you. On one hand you’re sweet and adorable when we’re together, but on the other hand you keep slowing this down, as if… as if you didn’t really want to be with me after all.”_

_“Of course I want to be with you.”_

_“Is it serious between us?”_

_“Of… of course. We’re together.”_

_“Is there someone else?”_

_“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Do you really think that I’m that kind of guy?”_

_“I don’t know. I don’t understand anything.”_

_“I’m with you, and there’s no one else.”_

_“Is it serious between us?”_

_“Yes, it is.”_

_“Why are you acting like this then? Like it’s such a big deal if I leave a few things here?”_

_He stared at you but remained silent for a moment, his brown eyes fixed upon yours, his throat too tight to speak the words he knew he should have spoken._

_But how could he tell you that he was completely terrified by all these feelings he had for you?_

_“My life is so complicated,” he lied. “I keep on travelling, and this job is… it’s demanding.”_

_You frowned hard._

_“I’ve never pressured you in any way concerning your job. Concerning the fact that you’ll have to leave, even if it’s a long time.”_

_“That’s because I never had to leave for now, but when I have to, I bet that your speech will have changed.”_

_“No,” you shook your head. “I don’t care about that.”_

_You stared at each other for a moment, silence filling up all the space between the two of you._

_“Don’t you trust me?” you asked him._

_“I do,” he answered in a shaky whisper._

_“Why do you think that I would leave then? I… I have feelings for you.”_

_He intensely stared at you but didn’t answer._

_“I love you, Ben,” you breathed._

_He should have said it back. He knew that what he felt was love. He knew he should have told you the truth… but he was so scared to admit all this to you… and to himself as well._

_So instead of admitting his feelings for you he wrapped himself in silence._

_You nodded slowly, tears now flowing down your cheeks._

_“I see. You should have just told me then that you didn’t feel anything…”_

_“Y/N.”_

_“I don’t think there’s a point in… seeing each other again then.”_

_Ben suddenly became pale as sheet._

_“What?” he breathed._

_“I don’t… If you were to ever feel something for me then your feelings would be here by now, at least for a part. You would… You would feel at least something.”_

_He stood up, a scared expression on his face now._

_“Y/N, you don’t mean that.”_

_“I do though.”_

_“Don’t do that. Don’t say that.”_

_“It’s better for both of us.”_

_“No, it’s not…”_

_You turned around and walked towards the door, but he held your wrist._

_“Y/N… I didn’t mean all that to happen.”_

_“But you don’t feel the same. And it’s better if it ends now, rather than… in a few more months when I… am not able to get over it.”_

_“Y/N, just… sit down with me okay? We can talk this through.”_

_“No, Ben. I think… I need space. I need… I need to stop this before you’re making me suffer too much.”_

_“I’ve never meant to hurt you.”_

_“I know. But that’s what you’re doing right now.”_

_“Y/N, don’t go.”_

_“I’m sorry, I need to think this through. I’ll call you when I’m ready to see you again.”_

_But then you walked to the door, and somehow, you knew that you would probably never call him back._

You pushed those thoughts away. You didn’t need to cry over your ex-boyfriend again. You needed to get over him, you needed to forget him.

And for now, you needed to open the front door to stop whoever had woken you up from waking up your neighbours as well with his very loud knocking.

But when you opened the door to fall face to face with Ben, you remained frozen on the spot. He looked up at with bloodshot eyes.

“Y/N…”

But it’s the only word that you allowed to pass his lips before you closed the door again.

“Y/N, open the door,” Ben called from the other side of the metallic surface.

“Go away, Ben,” you replied.

“I just want to talk to you for a minute.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk with you.”

“Please, Y/N…”

“Go away. It’s the middle of the night!”

He heard you locking the door again, and he closed his eyes, a tear rolling down his cheek as he rested his forehead against the cold metal.

“I don’t like that sound,” he said. “This sound of doors being closed and locked… _I don’t like this sound. It’s the sound of hearts breaking.”_

“Ben…”

“Please, I just need a few minutes. Just a few minutes…”

You heaved a sigh. You knew he would not leave before he had said what he wanted to say. So you reluctantly opened the door again, and Ben almost fell down in your arms, leaning against the doorframe to keep his balance.

“Are you drunk?” you asked with a frown.

“Barely,” he replied.

“You’re drunk, Ben. You shouldn’t be here.”

“You’re wrong, Y/N. I should be precisely here. I should… I’m sorry.”

“Ben…”

“You said that you would give me a minute.”

You heaved a sigh.

“It’s not a good idea.”

“I just want to make things better.”

“This is not going to make things better. I told you that I would call you when I would be ready to talk to you again.”

“It’s been two months!”

He ran a hand through his hair, and you finally noticed that he was crying, salty tears silently escaping from his dark eyes and rolling down his cheeks.

“Y/N, it’s been two fucking months!”

He stared intensely at you.

“Be honest,” he said, his voice shaking with both anger and pain, “you didn’t intend to call me again, did you?”

You swallowed hard, but reckoned that it was best for the two of you to hear the truth.

“No, Ben,” you shook your head, tears of your own now blurring your sight. “I didn’t intend to call you.”

He nodded slowly, and then… then he crumbled.

Literally crumbled. He let himself slip down against the doorframe.

You guessed that it was because of the alcohol… it couldn’t be because of your words, right?

“You’re not going to throw up on my doormat, right?” you asked, willing to joke, but your voice was too hoarse for that.

You knelt down next to him.

“Ben, you need to get up, okay? I’ll call you a taxi.”

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, ignoring your remark, but staring at you. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

“Ben, stop it.”

“I’ve tried to forget you, you know?” he went on anyway. “I… I’ve tried to laugh and make jokes and see other girls… I was trying tonight. I met this woman tonight in a bar and… I had never done that before, sleeping with a woman I barely knew. Even now, I can’t… I can’t even remember her name, this is insane!”

He saw you wincing. Indeed, hearing him talking about the women he had slept with since the two of you had more or less broken up was not helping.

“I couldn’t do it,” he breathed, still staring at you, and there was no anger left in his chocolate eyes, only pain. “I tried but I couldn’t sleep with her. It felt so wrong! I… I felt like I was cheating on you, and she didn’t feel the same as you and… I couldn’t do it. I didn’t do it…”

Your gaze softened a bit, and he went on, not giving you a chance to interrupt him.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have made such a mess about something so stupid as a pair of drawers. I was scared. I was scared because… I had never felt that way for anyone before.”

You gasped, your eyes widening in shock, but Ben didn’t stop. He had to let it all out right now, he might never get the chance again…

“Of course it was serious between us and that was the whole problem,” he went on. “It all happened so fast. I was… I was scared by how much I needed you in my life already, so I thought that by slowing things down I could… find a way to control all these feelings… But it didn’t work. And all I managed to do was to lose the person that mattered the most to me.”

“I don’t understand,” you breathed.

He narrowed his eyes, tears flowing down his cheeks again, his voice made hoarse by his tightened throat.

“What do you not understand? It’s pretty obvious,” he breathed, his entire body shaking with a sob. _Fuck… I love you! Can’t you see it?! Are you blind?!“_

Your jaw dropped and he could see the shock inside your eyes, the pain hidden behind these two orbs he adored.

Despite the circumstances, despite the fact that he was almost lying across your doormat, leaning against the cold doorframe… it was so good to see you again.

He had missed you so much. He had been aware of it since the second you walked out of his flat on that dreadful day, and his aching heart and haunted mind had never failed to remind him so as well. But now more than ever the realization struck him so hard it felt like he had been punched in the face.

"Please, give me another chance,” he begged, and you had never seen so much despair in his eyes, you had never seen him so fragile. “You asked for me to give you time that day, and I did. But I can’t take it anymore. I need you. I can’t live like that. Please. Y/N, please, I’ll make things better this time… I’ll be better. I’ll make things right. I’d do anything you want, just… please, please give me a chance. Just one…”

He slowly slipped down from the doorframe, and you caught him in your arms. He rested his cheek upon your shoulder, whispering into your ear.

“Y/N, please. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I was already in love with you when you left. I was already in love with you when we met my friends for the first time. I was already in love with you by the end of our second date.”

You choked back a sob, tears now freely flowing down your cheek.

“Y/N, please, take me back. Take me back…”

“Ben, shut up,” you whispered back into his ear. “Shut up now.”

He slowly wrapped his arms around you, as if he was he scared that you would run away and disappear forever if he dared to move.

But when he finally tightened his hold on you, you didn’t melt nor vanished nor disappeared, and for the first time in two months, he felt like he was home…

For a long while, you just kept on holding on each other tightly, both of you silent. It felt as if the moment was… immobilized… flying in midair, and you were scared that the bubble Ben and you were in would explode and be gone forever if you made any sound.

When you spoke again, none of you were crying anymore.

“Have you met anyone since…”

“No, I haven’t,” he interrupted you. “Did you?”

You shook your head.

“How far… how far did you go with this woman tonight?”

A small smirk appeared on his face. He could feel that your body was relaxed in his arms now, that you were calm again. He guessed that he could try a bit of humour.

“ _You’re jealous, admit it._ ”

You laughed, and Ben closed his eyes at the sound. The warmest and happiest sound he had ever heard…

“ _I hate you. I really do hate you,_ ” you said, chuckling and nudging him playfully.

But the smile on Ben’s face was so small, it was almost inexistent.

“Do you really hate me?” he asked in a shaking whisper. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

You heaved a sigh, pulling away just enough to look up at his eyes.

“No, I don’t hate you,” you reassured him.

“Give me another chance,” he begged again. “Please, Y/N, it was all my fault and I know it. Take me back…”

You shook your head.

“I can’t act as if nothing had happened…”

“I’m not asking you to do that,” he reassured you. “I’m just asking for a chance. One little chance. Let me take you on a date. We start all over again. We start from the beginning. But this time, I swear, I won’t be afraid. I won’t be afraid to tell you that I love you with all my heart.”

You heaved a sigh, but nodded anyway.

“I guess… we could try. One date.”

“One date.”

You exchanged a smile.

“Could you… could you call for a cab?” he asked. “I can’t drive.”

But you shook your head.

“It’s okay, you can sleep on the couch.”

You exchanged a smile again.

And maybe things were not perfect, but at least, he was making you want to try…


End file.
